HEE HAW AND MERRY CHRISTMAS
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) December 25, 2013
Kim Jong Un executed his uncle for "dreaming different dreams". Wtf Kim. I bet you only eat Fruit Loops and sleep in a big toy car.
— olivia wilde (@oliviawilde) December 13, 2013
On our #MacysParade float with @jimmyfallon and @theroots! pic.twitter.com/h6ZxtUHWFK
— Sesame Street (@sesamestreet) November 28, 2013
an app that replies to all your emails with "sounds good!"
— Jessica Misener (@jessmisener) November 15, 2013
"What if the universe gave you an extra hour, free & unaccounted for? What would you do with it?" "Nothing," they said. "Maybe complain."
— B.J. Novak (@bjnovak) November 3, 2013
Again. Just what we expected back in April. John Lackey pitching a W.S. clincher at Fenway
— John Ryder (@johndryder) October 31, 2013
Sunshine selfie pic.twitter.com/2An1KeKUI2
— Russell Crowe (@russellcrowe) October 11, 2013
I like to end random sentences with "no pun intended" just to keep people guessing
— Matt McGrail (@MattMcGrail2) October 28, 2013
I hope everyone's 100% clear on the difference between a government shutdown and "The Purge"
— B.J. Novak (@bjnovak) October 1, 2013
Elaine suspects her bf is gay when he's mysteriously busy during pride weekend. Kramer helps her investigate, ends up leading the parade.
— Modern Seinfeld (@SeinfeldToday) June 30, 2013
Awwww sheeeeet....RATINGS EXPLOSION RT @BuzzFeed "The Price Is Right" To Air An All-Plinko Episode http://t.co/Op2TWXk03O
— josh groban (@joshgroban) June 29, 2013
Its gonna take forever to explain all this to gronk
— David Portnoy (@stoolpresidente) June 26, 2013
“@DaveIsMello: I blame @ZoltanMesko” I'm throwing my crystal ball in the trash!!!
— Zoltan Mesko (@ZoltanMesko) June 25, 2013
This would be a terrible time for Nik Wallenda's evil twin, Rik, to start running at him from the other side of the Grand Canyon.
— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) June 24, 2013
I'm hitting all the day-after-Purge sales at the mall.
— Matt Warburton (@MCWarburton) June 8, 2013
It can be fun to hide carrots under your pillow for a nice surprise when you go to bed alone
— Carrot Facts (@RealCarrotFacts) May 10, 2013
BOSTON BRUINS! HOCKEY! LOUD NOISES!!!
— SportsNation (@SportsNation) May 14, 2013
Today is the only day of the year you can pronounce in one syllable. #mayth
— Dan Andelman (@DanAndelman) May 8, 2013
Hug me brotha pic.twitter.com/NEYFKBSiWm
— Josh Peck (@PortableShua) April 18, 2013
Can't wait for Opening Day! The grind starts Monday. From outhouse to the penthouse! #SoxNation
— Dustin Pedroia (@15Lasershow) March 28, 2013
If Puerto Rico joins the US, invest in a flag company.
— Advice Mallard (@AdviceMallards) March 26, 2013
Last day of shooting on The Office. Oof. Kind of hard to act and blubber at the same time.
— Ed Helms (@edhelms) March 16, 2013
I like to think all pizzas are personal pizzas.
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) March 13, 2013
“@sixthformpoet: COCKTAIL UMBRELLAS: If the glass beneath you is full, you're a terrible umbrella.” Hahaha.
— Zachary Levi (@ZacharyLevi) March 8, 2013
Flacco's backup looks like crap. He'll probably win a Super Bowl one day.
— SportsPickle (@sportspickle) December 23, 2013
Next week....Ruben Studdard in Fiddler On the Roof!
— billy eichner (@billyeichner) December 6, 2013
Q. My grandkids love your holiday lights! How long does it take to decorate Epcot? - Randy (Hammond, IN) --- A. Happy New Year, Randy.
— Epcot Centre (@EpcotCentre) December 28, 2013
Of all the Jason Bourne novels, my favorite is still "The Bourne Picnic."
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) December 8, 2013